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▲ my shadow's the only one that walks besides me
Sunday, May 15, 2011, 5:54 PM
They've never given anything up for me. They've never made any compromise for me. They've never done anything for me that they had to go out of their way for.
fuck this. sometimes i just want to escape it all. |
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▲ And there's no destiny when everyone's your enemy
Thursday, May 5, 2011, 10:38 PM
sometimes i just feel so inadequate, like nothing i do will ever live up to my own expectations of myself. i see certain points in my life where if i had made a different decision my life would be so much different. a whirlpool of regret fills my insides, and i am powerless to make it go away.
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▲ so trust the superman and hold on tight
Wednesday, April 27, 2011, 12:24 AM
stereotypes are double-edged. without them, we can't survive. we all need something to categorize the knowledge and information we have of people and happenings, or this world would be uninterpretable to us, without patterns, imperceivable, merely chaos. yet when some have seared such a deep impression of themselves on your soul, you inevitably begin to associate their circles, their acquaintances as many of the same. you wonder if every expression is a mask, if every smile hides a smirk, if every word is spoken has its own motive.
in the past, i was too trusting, too quick to judge people as good, too willing to put myself on the line, too foolish to think twice before i acted. i got burnt. and now, bows turn to snakes before my eyes. i wish i was free from this paranoia~
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▲ strangers
Saturday, April 23, 2011, 6:52 PM
I look at you and you look back but neither see the other. at that point of epiphany i know that the friendship we once shared has forever vanished into the long-reaching arms of the past; what was and never shall be again. i remember when i first saw you, your hair woven into a cascade behind you as you entered, your apprehensive, beautiful eyes searching around. your mischievous, laughing smile lit up the room, however brief, the way you were so close yet so far away. i watched as the small flashes of brilliance slowly turned into streams of dim light as you came nearer but turned further away. you brought me the moments of my greatest happiness; but when my heart was in your hands there was no second thought as my being was crushed under an absolute, unbearable weight. separation has never dulled the ache nor softened your cutting disdain, even seeing you after all these years have passed the memories reappear and are relived, they are as fresh and as painful as they were when they occured. but then i look again and realise what I see is merely a shell, the smile no longer shines as it once did, the eyes duller in their beauty, the hair moves but no longer flows. you are her but she is not you. the person i knew and loved is not the person i see now, the person who was the very fibre of my being have faded away with the years. you are not the person i once knew, and i am at once both saddened and glad by that fact. the memories will stay as they are; memories; and i will look back on those times and recall a girl who I loved and lost and will never see again, and I will remember them fondly and hold them dear because they were good times, because I was happy. and I will weep because they have passed, and because I was never to you as you were to me. so I look at you, and you look back. your eyes are sad and if I could see through them I would know that mine are as well. i would never know what you thought we were, but i know what we are now. Would you just listen and please don't say a word, just yet, I'd like you to think back to the very first time we met, How you felt around me? The memories we shared, And just remember that once upon a time, you really cared. Now think about how we parted, and how much I cried, But please don't speak, remember that I never ever lied, That I told you the honest truth about why we were to split, But now I'd like you to know that my heart broke bit by bit. The pain was deep, unbearable and painful, for so many years, I'll never forget all the sadness, all the uncontrollable tears, Slowly I am rebuilding my life, I am content with what I've got, And although it is hard I am beginning to forget what I have not. You were a special part of my life that I will never forget, A part of my life that broke my heart, but that I don't regret, You gave me some happy memories that I'll keep in my heart, Although sometimes I wish that you and I didn't have to part. You were my first love and my true love, that will always be so, After all of the heartache, sadness and never ending pain, I know, You and I had something special and that will never change, Because I love you and loving someone else will always seem strange. Would you just listen and please don't say a word, not ever, I'd like you to remember that once upon a time, we said forever, That I had hopes and dreams, that I was the one who threw them away, And this is something I will always regret until my dying day. -Would You Just Listen; Tara Kay |
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▲ there ain't no rest for the wicked
Tuesday, April 19, 2011, 11:44 PM
would a person be able to sustain a relationship with another of a far inferior/superior level of thought? or would it at most be a fleeting moment of physical hunger, merely a biological attraction? sometimes i look at the humans i aspire to be and acknowledge that i've barely scratched their surface. their thoughts are incomprehensible, their actions undecipherable. they see life richly in all its color and depth, me with a thin translucent veil obscuring the true beauty of the existing from my knowledge. i am as blind to living as i am to the colors of red and green.
something comes to mind, something an old acquaintance once said. there are people who are trying to be happy, and there are those trying to be popular. the two concepts are as seamed together as they are poles apart. popularity appears to me as a superficial form of contentment, a galaxy in which the stars stave off the [metaphorical] planets revolving around them and define themselves only by their gravity, their pull. happiness is an abstract, an unattainable, a platitudinous concept for me, because my mind always sees the grass on the other side as greener. without fail. i'm a straddler of two boats, one who identifies happiness with popularity. what worries me is as i futilely try to extend my pull on others, therein comes the inevitable moment where i cave in on myself and become an abyss of nothingness, where i no longer burn as a person but instead suck the light and the lives of everyone around me. but that's already happening. i don't know where my life was, where it is now nor where it's headed. i'm a flintless arrow, a headless body, without direction nor inspiration nor motivation. going through the motions each day without contemplation, living life as it's been charted out for the average man. but i don't want to be average. i don't want to be ignorant. i don't want to be boring, to be forgotten, to be led, to be remarkably unremarkable. i just want to be happy. not because of not knowing any better than what i had. but having loved and lost, having crossed the walks of life, having smelt the roses every chance i had. but right now, there are things that are too much to ask for. edit: reading through this my writing has staggering sections of horrible quality. I need to improve my rhetoric.
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▲ i wish i was special
Sunday, April 17, 2011, 10:44 PM
i've never considered how little close friends i really have. most of the new ones i made the year before have gone on their own ways to find their new castes once we were rudely thrust into this new jungle. all the exploits of the past year, the shared laughs, the fright nights, and it is only now that i realise that i don't actually know any of them. instead i only associated with the veneer that they put up around them in public. i wonder if the relationship was always superficial this way, or is it just me who detaches myself from others and doesn't make the effort to know them. am i that intrinsically lazy? i am in all senses of the word a potato. i don't think, i'm not proactive. once i transversed to the other side with all its bustle and its life, only then did i reflect upon my past four years. which i've utterly, completely wasted away. everyone knows where they belong. trackers have trackers, swimmers have swimmers. the brightness and the deftest of minds have congregated into their personal system. but what about me? i don't have any national colors, nor am i an olympiad champion. my thinking can barely reach the level of the people who are citing buffet or writing their own brilliant poems at this age. i'm nobody. but i wish i wasn't. i wish i bothered to be part of the team. everytime i look back i cringe at how stupid, how ignorant i was when i first began this journey, and how every choice i've made since then has gone the wrong way. a month ago i was lying on my bed at night, closing my eyes and i was wishing that time could just turn back to the way it was, however little. i could have never quit the things i now love. i could have done more to engage my sorry self. but then i open my eyes and everything's still the same. i'm still the nobody quoting radiohead. i want to be a somebody so badly. am i fake? because all signs are pointing to the fact that i'm one of those who try so hard to be something they are not. everyday i force myself to be outgoing and smile and to crack jokes when i know that deep inside i'm not that guy. or at least, not that extreme. maybe the reason why i don't have close friends is that people who get within a certain range can see through my facade and they are repulsed what they see inside. i wish i could see what they saw, and try to change it. but wouldn't that make me more fake than i already am. i am forever seeking affirmation of my self-worth from others. a recent event stirred me from my stagnancy. i found a hidden diamond amongst the gems. the person will never know how he/she affected me and may never even know me. but i thank him/her profusely, for the encounter opened a reprieve, a release from my thoughts. even if the meeting is forever tangential i will remember the moment when the curves of our lives touched, however briefly.
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