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Me i enjoy moments that burst the bubble of normalcy, that disrupt the mundaneness of life and all its repetition, because in those moments I see the worth of living. I just wish they happened more often.

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Thoughts

▲ there ain't no rest for the wicked
Tuesday, April 19, 2011, 11:44 PM

would a person be able to sustain a relationship with another of a far inferior/superior level of thought? or would it at most be a fleeting moment of physical hunger, merely a biological attraction? sometimes i look at the humans i aspire to be and acknowledge that i've barely scratched their surface. their thoughts are incomprehensible, their actions undecipherable. they see life richly in all its color and depth, me with a thin translucent veil obscuring the true beauty of the existing from my knowledge. i am as blind to living as i am to the colors of red and green.

something comes to mind, something an old acquaintance once said. there are people who are trying to be happy, and there are those trying to be popular. the two concepts are as seamed together as they are poles apart. popularity appears to me as a superficial form of contentment, a galaxy in which the stars stave off the [metaphorical] planets revolving around them and define themselves only by their gravity, their pull. happiness is an abstract, an unattainable, a platitudinous concept for me, because my mind always sees the grass on the other side as greener. without fail. i'm a straddler of two boats, one who identifies happiness with popularity. what worries me is as i futilely try to extend my pull on others, therein comes the inevitable moment where i cave in on myself and become an abyss of nothingness, where i no longer burn as a person but instead suck the light and the lives of everyone around me. but that's already happening.

i don't know where my life was, where it is now nor where it's headed. i'm a flintless arrow, a headless body, without direction nor inspiration nor motivation. going through the motions each day without contemplation, living life as it's been charted out for the average man. but i don't want to be average. i don't want to be ignorant. i don't want to be boring, to be forgotten, to be led, to be remarkably unremarkable.

i just want to be happy. not because of not knowing any better than what i had. but having loved and lost, having crossed the walks of life, having smelt the roses every chance i had.

but right now, there are things that are too much to ask for.

edit: reading through this my writing has staggering sections of horrible quality. I need to improve my rhetoric.